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up one level Kung Anu-Ano Pa [Miscellaneous] : Joke Joke Joke whoIS Who is on this Thread? users
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   Author  Topic: dahandahan tawa...   « Thread started on: 07/14/06 09:07 PM»

Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 08/08/08 09:17 PM NewReply



TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya nang hindi siya  mababastos?

SAGOT: 'Uhm, excuse me, miss...Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?' < oink! > 
**********************************************

Misis : Darling, ano ang tawag sa isang asawa na sexy, maganda, hindi

selosa, mapagmahal, masipag, mapagkalinga, masarap magluto?

Mister: Guni-guni  

  *********************************************************************

Aanhin ko ang napakalaking bahay, mamahaling sasakyan, milyun-milyong

kayamanan, at masasarap na pagkain kung ang kapit-bahay ko ang may-ari ng mga iyun?!

   ***********************************************************************

Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?

Anak : Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko

kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

 

 

  ***

 



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 07/31/08 01:50 AM NewReply


Kilala mo ba si Dan Torres ng Bikol?

Dan Torres of Bikol..
Si Danilo "Dan" Torres, isang Bicolano, nagpunta sa US para mag TNT.
Pumasok sya ng convenience store para bumili ng yosi.
Pagdating sa counter, sabi ng cashier, "MASTER? VISA?"
Namutla si Dan! Sa isip-isip nya "Patay!
Hinahanap ang visa ko!"
Dali-daling lumabas ng tindahan, sumakay ng kotse at humarurot ng takbo.

Paubos na gasolina nya kaya pumasok sa gas station at magpapakarga ng
gasolina.
"Unleaded?" tanong ng gasoline attendant.
"Unleaded" sagot ni Dan.
"Pay first." sabi ng attendant.
Lalong namutla si Dan! "Patay! Hinahanapan ako ng papers!"
Iniwan nya ang kotse at dali-daling naglakad papunta sa phonebooth
upang tawagan
ang kapatid nya sa New York
"AT&T May I help you?" sagot ng operator.
Pinagpawisan ng malamig si Dan! "Pati operator alam na TNT ako!"

May nakapilang pulis na gagamit din ng telepono at tanong sa kanya... "
Are you done?"
Napatitig na lang si Dan sa pulis! "Kilala niya ako? Alam niyang DAN ang
pangalan ko!"
sa isip-isip nya. Nang di makasagot si Dan, tinanong uli sya ng pulis,
"Are you
a tourist?"
Nanghina si Dan dahil pati apelyido niyang Torres ay alam din ng pulis!
At nang hihimatayin na sya, inalalayan sya ng pulis at sabi "Be cool!"
"Inang ko po! Alam din nyang taga Bicol ako!
WAAAHHHH! Uuwi na lang ako sa 'pinas!"


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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Re: letter to Dad
Posted: 05/08/08 01:44 PM
NewReply

         A Father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
      to see the bed was
      nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he
     saw an envelope neatly
     placed on the center of the bed. It was addressed
    "Dad". With the worse
     feeling, he opened theenvelope and read the letter
      with trembling hands.
 
       Dear Dad,
 
         It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing
        you. I had to elope
       with my new girlfriend because i wanted to avoid a
      scene with Mom and You.
       I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is
         so nice, evenwith all
      her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle
      clothes. But it's not only
      the passion, Dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that
     we will be very happy
     together. Even though you won't care for her as she
     is much older than I,
     she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a
   stack of firewood for the
    whole winter. She wants to have many more children
    with me and that's one of
      my dreams too.
 
     Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone
     and we'll be growing it
     for us and trading it with her friends for all the
       cocaine and ecstasy we
    want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
    find a cure for AIDS so
     Joan can get better, she sure deserves it !!
 
      Don't worry Dad, I am 15 years old now and I know
       how to take care of
     myself. Someday I am sure we will be back to visit
     so you can get to know
     your grandchildren.
 
     Your son,

    John
    P.S.
    Dad, None of the above is true. I am over at the
   neighbor's house. I just
   wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
    life than my
    report card--which
   is in my desk, center drawer.
 
      I LOVE YOU! Call when it is safe for me to come
    home
 


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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 10/11/07 02:02 PM NewReply

Kumain sa isang sosyal na restaurant sina Erap at FVR.
"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries"
order ni FVR sa ingles.
"And you Sir? tanong ng waiter.
"The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too"
sagot ni Erap.
Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the
Philippines
?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip ng maitatanong
din, "Ah... Is
London Bridge falling down?"
 
ANONG GATAS?
"Ang gatas ko noong baby ako, Lactum," kuwento ni Marcos sa ibang
presidente.
"Ah ako, Enfalac, 'yun ang mahal, eh," sagot ni Cory.
"Ako, Lactogen, kaya ganito ako katalino," sabi ni Ramos.
"Ikaw, Erap, ano ang iniinom mo noon?" tanong ng tatlo.
"Ano yata Lactacyd."
 
ALLEGATIONS
In a cabinet meeting ERAP (galit na galit) :
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF ALLEGATIONS THESE DAYS AND
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO THE "ALLIGATORS' ARE. 

The most intelligent "presidentiable"
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent 
presidentiable to a televised debate.  
 
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time
 she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, 
Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap
 asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, 
Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

BRIDGE


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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
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Posted: 07/14/07 12:08 AM NewReply

Dear Anak,

Naipadala ko na 50 thousand pesos na tuition fee mo, panagbili na namin
nag mga  kalabaw  natin.  Ang mahal pala ng kursong COUNTER STRIKE,wala na din pala tayong baboy naibenta na din para dun sa sinasabi mo na
project nyo na NOKIA  N75, ang mahal naman ng project nayun. kasama din
ang 7 thousand dun para  sa field trip nyo sa MALL OF ASIA, anak malayo
ba yun mag ingat ka sa pagbibiyahe  mo,  isasanla  pala namin ang
palayan natin para mabili mo nag yung  instrumentong  I-POD  na
kinakailangan  mo  sa  laboratory nyo. Anak komportable  kaba  jan  sa
boarding  house mo san ba kamu yan. sa VICTORIA COURT  -  maganda ba
dyan di ba mainit
jan. Anak kamusta na pala yung group project  nyo  na
SANMIG  LIGHT napailaw nyo na ba? mataas ba nakuha nyo na grado dun.

Anak  sana  bago  pa  maubos  ang  lahat  lahat  ng ari-arian natin ay
maka-gradweyt ka na,  walong taon ba talaga ang kurso mo sa SECRETARIAL,
sana pag graweyt mo makakuha ka ng trabaho kaagad kagaya ng manager ng
kumpanya para  mabawi  natin  ang  mga ari-arian nating sa sanglaan. ay
cya nga pala anak  diba  sabi mo sa JOLLIBEE / MAK DONALD ka palagi
kumakain ok ba naman sayo  ang  mga  ulam dyan baka hindi masarap
kawawa ka naman.Eh yung school bus nyo na TAXI sabihin mo sa driver mag ingat
cya sa pag dri-drive.

Anak  hanggang  dito  nalang at sa susunod ay ipapadala ko sayo ang
pera na pambili mo ng ALTIS na gagamitin mo sa VACANT SUBJECT mo.

Ang nagmamahal
Itay at Inang

P.S. Anak mag aral ka ng mabuti.



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 06/26/07 11:08 AM NewReply

     Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
     Nanay:  Bat mo naman nasabi?
     Boy:  Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang
     tinuro ni ma'am ung
     katabi ko. Muntik na ako.


    Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his
    translator:
    Bush:  Lets help one another.
    Erap:  Tayo'y magtulungan.
    Bush:  Let's strive together.
    Erap:  Tayo'y magsikap.
    Bush:  Because in union there is strength.
    Erap:  Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!

    Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni
    mister, kiliti niya sa
    leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
    Misis:    Love, ala na ko panty.
    Mister:  Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.



    Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
    Holdaper:  Holdap ito!  Akin na gamit mo!
    Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
    Holdaper:  Anong rape?  Holdap nga to eh!
    Babae:  Nagsa-suggest lang.

    Pare 1:  Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
    Pare 2:  Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants
                ng Ms. Universe
    Pare 1:  Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
    Pare 2:  Pare ako nanalo!



  "There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
    because it is.
   To do or not to is in the what, now or what else.
   Without which there never to you!"
            - Words of wisdom from Senator Lito
              Lapid


   TEBAN:   Pare sinong idol mo?
  GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
   TEBAN:   Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
  GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol
                  ko.


   A variation of the above:
   Erap writing on a slum book:
       Favorite Actor:
        Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
        Arnold Schwarze... ...  (erase)
        Arnold Schwarzz... ...  (erase)
        Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
        Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
        Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
        Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
        Arnold Clavio


     Holduper:   Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
     Biktima:    Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan
                     walang laman!



     Pare1:  Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang
                 syota? wala ka pa bang
                 napupusuan?
     Pare2:   Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
                  (nyahahahaha! )


     Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
     Guro: Ano 'to?
     Estudyante: Prayers ko po, ma'am!
     Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
    Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!
    Yahoooooo!!!


    Sa isang mumurahing airline:
    Stewardess:  Sir,  would you like some dinner?
    Passenger:    Ano ba ang mga choices?
    Stewardess:  Yes or No lang po

 
 
      Pare 1:  Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
      Pare 2:  Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo
            (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
      Pare 1:  Di pa rin e
      Pare 2:   Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
      (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
      Pare 1:  Wala pa rin
      Pare 2:  Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ...
                  (pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!)


     Sa  isang ospital...

     Lola (may cancer) :  Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
     Doc :  Che-chemo lola.
     Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!



Attachment:          
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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Female 

Re: Kung Pinoy Ka alam mo ibig sabihin nito
Posted: 06/22/07 11:05 PM
NewReply

 

     1.    Use ADIEU in a sentence.
             If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.


     
    
2.    Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
              (Phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
     
   

3.    Use AFFECT in a sentence.
          Maria is wearing A FFECT diamond ring.
     
   

 4.    Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
          PAUL, be care PAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.
     
 

  5.     Use DELETION in a sentence.
              The balat of DELETION is crispy.
    
 

  6.          Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
            At the gas station, some people use PAMPERS and some PAPERS.
  
  

7.            Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.
             I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.
   
   

 8.   Use IRAQ , EGYPT , and IRAN in a sentence.
               I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then IRAN .
     
  

10.    Use DEFLATE in a sentence.
             Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?
    
  

11.           Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
           Jack and Jill got married on Nov. 1, 1997. So on Nov. 1, 1998, they are
              going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.
    
  

12.     Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
          DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE; first DEFEAT, and then DETAIL.
    
  

13.     Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
              Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.
   
  

14.         Use FACT 3x in a sentence. As a matter of FACT, the birds cannot
         fly without FACT FACT!
                                            



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 05/23/07 11:27 PM NewReply

 

 

GMA
Dumalaw si GMA sa mental hospital...
Dok: Let's welcome President Arroyo!
Pumalakpak lahat ng pasyente maliban sa isa na nasa sulok...
GMA: O, dok, bakit 'yung isa, hindi pumalakpak?
Dok: Ma'am, magaling na po siya!


Plantsa
Dok: Anong nangyari sa mga tenga mo?
Joshue: Nagpaplantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono.
Aksidenteng na-pick up ko 'yung plantsa.
Dok: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?
Joshue: Ang gago, tumawag uli!


Minsan, sa aking pag-iisa, naalala kita...
Inisip kong nasa tabi lang kita at tayo'y nagsasaya.
Tapos, bigla kang umalis. Nalungkot ako.
Akala ko, iiwan mo na ako.
Uutot ka lang pala, tinakot mo pa ako!


Pulubi:
Boss, palimos po.
Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari
sa taong walang bisyo



Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
(Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap... )
Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!


SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao,..... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: May itlog po sa loob.



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Female 

Posted: 05/23/07 11:22 PM NewReply

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest

Policeman arresting a prostitute
Prosti: I am not selling sex
Police: Then what are you doing?
Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
chicharon,mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).


Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka? P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang nyan?
Tindero: Meron po,pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na
utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.


A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya
"Ngayo n ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo"

Wife shouting.... . "Honey magimpake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto"
Husband: "Wow, anong dadalhin ko?"
Wife: "Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na"

Pare 1: 'Pare, magkaiba medyas mo, isang pula at isang azul'
Pare 2: 'Ewan ko nga kung saan nabili ng misis ko ito. May isa pa nga
akong pares na ganito rin and kulay sa bahay'

Juan: Itay, and classmate ko madamot.
Tatay: 'Bakit naman?'
Juan: 'Di man lang nya ako inimbita sa libing ng tatay nya...Nakakain
sana ako ng kornik....Di ko rin siya iimbitahin sa libing mo itay
ha....'


Beauty contest.....
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatangalang po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po pero bakit
naman butligs pa.....wah wah wah

Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako po
yung substitute.. ..

Doc: For your health take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a saucer of
kangkong. Fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?


Kodigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku!
Sinagot na ang prayers ko!


Alimasag
Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"
Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango
at nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "A le, masag!"





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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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PM: Send Private Message
Female 

Posted: 02/04/07 08:52 AM NewReply

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple".

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'"

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'"

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead."

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'."

"And we lived happily ever after"......



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 09/22/06 05:21 PM NewReply


Learn a few important French words, it comes handy

specially to those living in Canada.

You'll be surprised!

Marami palang French words ang Tagalog 

Let's learn French.Oui??

Let's start 

1. TURN - le coup

2. LITER - le true

3 .BEHIND - le coud

4. ALMS - le mousse

5. FIVE - le ma

6 . FLY - le pad 

7. DID NOT TAKE A BATH - le bag

8 . CONFUSED - le tou 

9 . NO LONGER A VIRGIN - les pag

10 . UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND - cou ma le wah

11. CITY - ce vou

12 . DRUGS - sha vou 

13. GOODBYE - va vou

14 musical band - com vou 

15 . BALD - cal vou

16. CAUGHT IN THE ACT - na vou coup, na coup!!

17 . FEATHERS - valahe vou

18 . UNCLEAR - ma la vou

19 . SINK - lah va vou

20 . COCONUT - vou coup


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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
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Posted: 08/18/06 03:47 PM NewReply

Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Do niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas,
ikaw na bahala sa ating mga anak. I love you....
Wife: He! Tumigil ka nga! Wala pang namamatay sa TULI!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
---- Pedro: Pare galing ako sa doctor, nakabili na ako ng hearing
aid... Grabe ang lakas na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga? Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Parishioner: Father, bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty
sa may kumbento? May asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay!
Tumatanggap ako ng labada!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
>BR> English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...
Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...
pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo ito!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng biyenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Paano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po. 2 million pesos kapag boy,
2.5 million kapag girl.
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS, ha?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh. Sabi kasi ng driver, eh
mas yummy daw talaga si Ma'am!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Wife: Dear, ano reglamo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

Husband comes home 4AM and discovers his wife in bed with another man.
His wife shouts at him: "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
Pedro bumps against a foreigner.

Pedro: Ay, sori!
Foreigner: Sorry, too.
Pedro: Sori three.
Foreigner: What are you sorry for?
Pedro: 'Kala mo bobo ako ha! sori 5.
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Hahahaha! Sick daw, seven sunod!



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
offline
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Female 

Posted: 07/27/06 10:55 PM NewReply

A childless wife asked advice how to get pregnant.
BISHOP: Did u try praying?
WIFE: Yes nothing happened.
B: Rosary?
W: Nightly.
B: Then try one of our "Fathers".

*****************************

NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?
ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay,kasi narinig ko minsan sabi, "tama na
inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."

********************************

MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?
MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko?
MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!


*********************************

IDD call from US:

HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?
WIFE: dept store na!
H: ang tuba-an?
W: KTV bar na!
H: and mga trickad?
W: taxi na!
H: ang dalawa kong anak?
W: LIMA na!

*********************************

sweethearts watchin' da sky...
GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?
GIRL: anong huruskup?
GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!


*********************************

_________________________________________________



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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
offline
PM: Send Private Message
Female 

Re: Kahit isang ngiti mo lamang, maligaya na ako.!!!
Posted: 07/20/06 03:32 PM
NewReply

Lawyers should NEVER ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer..............




In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"




She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."





The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"



She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."





The defense attorney almost died.





The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you
to the electric chair."




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Loidz


ljimenez19.qhealthbeauty.com
 Toronto
offline
PM: Send Private Message
Female 

Re: Kahit isang ngiti mo lamang, maligaya na ako.!!!
Posted: 07/14/06 09:07 PM
NewReply

IBANG POSISYON:

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman

ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.



PINOY INGENUITY?

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a

man's *bleep* organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a

magnifiying glass.



REGALO:

Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...

Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.

Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?

Mrs: Memorial Plan.





SI GINO:

LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.

APO: 'lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.

APO: 'lo, Gina po.

LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!





TUTPIK:

Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo, iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang
mabali!

Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang
ang nakabali!






FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES:{br>
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?

Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hanga ngayon,
buhay pa ang
animal!



SUKO SA MISTER:

Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago
niroromansa...

Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.




PAGOD DAW.....

Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.

Mr: Kasi pagod ako.

Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap ako ng lalaki.

Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!





PARI AT MADRE:

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang toothbrush ko...

Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.

Pari: Ok, antay ako.

Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!





ESTUDYANTE:

Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!

Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa
sa estudiante.

Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!





AFTER THE WEDDING:

Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!

Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!




PAMBOBOSO:

Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!

Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?

Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty, para 'di nya makita!



PROMOTION:

Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!

Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung hindi po kayo ma-promote.





AMPON:

Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na anak ako sa labas!

Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin mo sa kanila, ampon ka!





ANG SULAT:

Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: Di ko pa po alam... kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...





LIIT NAMAN:

Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...

Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..

Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?





DOWNY: GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...

BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!

GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?

BOY: Baket? Bango ba?

GIRL: Lambot eh!!!






HIDE AND SEEK:

GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-*bleep*
sa'yo...

BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?

GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...



MADRE:

May dalawang madre na nirereyp ng goons....

Madre 1: Jus ko, patawarin mo po sila...hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang
ginagawa!

Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin marunong!!!!





RAPE SUSPEK:

ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype sa
'yo?

INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...

SUSPEK: Sige! Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!




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